


No desire, but love

by solenskiner



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Asexual Athelstan, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 20:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11470878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solenskiner/pseuds/solenskiner
Summary: Maintaining celibacy has never been a hardship for a young Athelstan. He didn't think further about it and was grateful to not suffer from the sin of flesh, like some of the other brothers.But when he is taken to Kattegat by a Viking and learns the pagan ways, he realizes that sex is something people normally desire.When Athelstan realizes he is in love with Ragnar, he shuts down his feelings and buries them. After all, what should a man like Ragnar do with someone that doesn't want to feel or give desire?





	No desire, but love

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my lovely lovely people!  
> First I want to thank you all for the great responses to my first two fics! It's stunning, I didn't expect such great reactions. thanks very much!  
> So, in this fic we have an asexual Athelstan. I wanted to try such a character. Of course, my presentation isn't a generalization of every asexual person and I mean no offense to anyone.  
> So, no sex in this one! But in the next :) I have no time to edit it, so sorry for the mistakes!  
> Now to the fluffy stuff!

Athelstan is 14 when he realizes for the first time, that he is different from the other boys at Lindisfarne. They all swore to be celibate and it's no hardship for him. He doesn't have to pray away sinful thoughts of flesh or desire, for he simply doesn't have them. While they all don't have sex, touching oneself is a common occurrence under the younger boys. One the older monks just overlook. But Athelstan also has no wish to try that.

Athelstan likes being a monk. Like this, he at least doesn't have to explain and defend himself to others for his lack of interest in sex.

But then one day the Vikings come and one man, with stunning blue eyes, spares his life and takes him as a slave to their home.

In the following weeks, Athelstan sometimes regrets that he has been spared. The people in the north are loud and uncivilized, they drink and feast too much and laugh at him for his clothes and haircut.

But the worst of all is the sex. Everyone seems to lie with somebody, all the time. Maybe it appears just for Athelstan so, he came from a monastery after all.

When the man who captured him, Ragnar is his name as he learned, finally brings him away from Kattegat to his farm, Athelstan is glad for the first time since being a slave.

But his relief doesn't last long, as his sleeping place is next to Ragnar's and his wife's bed.

His assumption about the pagans seems to be correct, after all. For Ragnar and Lagertha come together with passion every night and it's loud and wild. Nothing like what Athelstan learned about the duty of a married couple in Lindisfarne.

He presses his Bible to his chest and prays every time, but the noises are too loud and Athelstan can't shield against them. It fills him with disgust and makes his skin crawl.

He often wonders if he actually died and God sent him to hell, or if the creator of life just doesn't care about someone like him.

Athelstan has never wondered too much about his lack of interest in sex in Lindisfarne. But here, under all these pagans, he begins to understand that having and wanting sex is normal for people. So, for not wanting it, can only mean he is abnormal.

When Ragnar and Lagertha ask him one night to join them, Athelstan is feeling sick. Not from the offer, but of the thought that he doesn't really have a choice. He is their slave, they could just make him. He has never felt so terrified in his whole life.

Thankfully, beneath the harsh appearance, they are kind and good people and seem to sense his terror. They give him a smile and vanish behind the curtains again.

Two weeks later he gets the permission to sleep with the children, much to the dismay of Bjorn, and Athelstan feels something like gratitude for Ragnar for the first time.

\--*--

They go to Uppsala and with all the mushrooms he doesn't notice when someone leads him to a tent with a beautiful woman in it.

"Make him a man in his last night." This person says to the girl and leaves Athelstan there.

She really is good looking and takes off her thin robe seductively. She crosses the distance between them and caresses his arms, places gentle kisses on his cheek and rubs against him. Even in his drugged state, he feels no desire for her. He steps away and flees out the tent, into the woods.

Later after the sacrifices, while dealing with the anger that is burning in him and the deep hurt of knowing his family wanted him dead, he almost forgets about the girl. But when everything calms down again, Athelstan realizes that he likes touch. He wants to be held in an embrace, or somebody patting his head. He wishes for contact. But who will offer this without expecting sex in return?

Athelstan decides to remain alone.

\--*--

He is captured again, but this time his pain is even worse. Luckily, or not so luckily depends on how he feels, he is being saved. King Ecbert is an ambitious man, but also kind to him and has a curiosity for the old days that Athelstan shares. He lets himself hope for the very first time, that maybe he has found someone that is just like him.

But when one day, the king invites him to have a bath with him, Athelstan sees the desire and lust in Ecbert's eyes, as his gaze wanders over the younger's body.

He makes a point to never bath with the king again.

\--*--

Athelstan returns to Kattegat with Ragnar and while it feels good to be back, he also must confront his growing feeling for the man. He has respected Ragnar from the beginning, then with the trust, they became companions and later friends. Now he is the closest person to Athelstan, the one he trusts the most.

And also the one he wants the most.

He sees how Ragnar embraces a pregnant Aslaug when they arrive. Full of tenderness and care. He sees how the King hugs his sons and spins them around, the children laughing with joy.

Ragnar gives his touches easily and freely. With humor, mirth, and joy he clasps his friends on the shoulders. With pride, he punches Bjorn's arm lightly.

And with love, he places kisses on Aslaug's head.

It's the love that Athelstan yearns the most for.

Ragnar has always been more careful when he touched Athelstan. But since the younger man came back, the blond Viking never stays away for long.

He places a comforting hand on his shoulder, bumps into him when they sit and caresses the scars on his hands with the greatest care.

Those touches are a blessing and a curse. He is happy when Ragnar reaches out to him, but every time he retreats, it leaves Athelstan feeling emptier than before.

\--*--

Athelstan sits on the beach one evening. He watches how the sun sets and the ebbing of the water. His thoughts flow with it. These are the only times he feels younger and carefree. Not even prayer can calm him this way anymore.

He hears footsteps and a heavy _uuff_ noise when another man sits down beside him. They enjoy the view in silence for a time, but he can feel there is something the other wants to ask.

Soon enough, when the first stars blink from the sky, Ragnar turns to look at him and takes his hand to hold it between his bigger ones.

"You have been here for many years now. You became one of us long ago. Many women have voiced their wish to wed you, but you always declined. At first, I thought it was because of your faith. Then maybe because you didn't really believe you belong here. But now. Nothing would stop you from finding a good woman and settle down. Having children on your own."

Athelstan knows that Ragnar means no offense, but he can't help but retreat his hand and sit tensly. Still looking out to the sea.

After moments of silence, Ragnar shifts closer until his shoulder touches Athelstan. At least he makes no attempt to grab the other's hand again.

"Tell me what is wrong, my friend. I won't judge you. I promise."

Athelstan finally looks at Ragnar. Isn't he the person he trusts the most? If he can't tell him, then with whom else could he ever speak about it?

He sighs and returns his gaze to the water. He closes his eyes and listens for a moment and lets it calm his nerves.

"I never desired to be with a woman, or a man, in a sexual matter. Barley the idea makes my stomach turn. The idea of being married, of having to lie with somebody, it feels wrong. I liked caring for your children, but having my own? No, I never wanted that neither."

Ragnar doesn't look very surprised or stunned. Athelstan guesses, that the other one has had some similar presumption. At least he doesn't back away with disgust. In contrary, he presses even closer and reaches out for the other's hand again. Athelstan lets him.

"But why staying alone? Surely, every person yearns to be touched, maybe not all in a sexual way, but at least with affection and care."

Athelstan snorts and gives the other a twisted smile. 

"As if anyone would want to be with me, being like this. If they can have somebody normal, then why should they stay with me?"

It's the first time something like anger crosses Ragnar's features.  

"Do you truly not see? You are kind, passionate, wise and have knowledge like no other here. You give and never expect something in return. You like to make other's happy and smile, even when you are sad. You are the greatest man I know, Athelstan. So don't ask me who would want you. The question should be who wouldn't!"

Athelstan is rendered speechless, gaping at Ragnar for a moment. Could it really be that Ragnar seems him like this?

But he turns away fastly and tries to remain in control. It doesn't matter if Ragnar thinks that other's want him. Athelstan just wants Ragnar.

He sighs again and shifts his toes in the now cold sand.

"It doesn't matter. The one I want doesn't return the sentiment."  
Ragnar takes the other's chin and turns his head gently, so they look into each other's eyes.

"Are you certain?"

Athelstan wants to scoff and answer _of course I am certain. His wife is beautiful and they only have like 5 sons of them running around._

But something in Ragnar's eyes stops him from doing so.

The look is similar to Ecbert's, but it's less heated. He can see no fire of lust burning in them. More like deep love, gentle like the waves before them.

Ragnar wants him, without wanting _him._

Athelstan can feel how all the feelings he buried break free and he can't stop the tears streaming down his face.

The blond places a soft hand on his cheek and wipes them away.

He wants to ask so many questions, but finds that he can't raise his voice.

Ragnar just gives him a gentle smile and then, finally oh finally, closes his strong arms around him and holds him close.

Between the lulling sound of the sea, the emotional exhaustion, and Ragnar's warm embrace, Athelstan feels like floating away.

He wakes some time later, lying in the bed of his hut, with the other's arms still around him, and panics.

"Shh. Athelstan, everything is alright. Everything will be alright." Ragnar pulls him closer, so his head lies on top of the other's chest. Right over his heart.

In the safety of his home and with Ragnar's heartbeat drumming in his ears, he lets himself believe that for the first time in his life.

He is like he is and he is loved and he will be alright.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading!  
> I am not very happy with how it turned out, so let me know what you think.  
> Please note that Vikings plays around 800 and the different way how sexualities were seen! Athelstan stating him being abnormal for being asexual is for the story and not my own opinion on asexuality.  
> Kudos and comments are love!  
> Sexy times coming in the next one :)


End file.
